Distress Mode

My sleeping pattern changes. And so does my moods. Mood swings? tah!,it's been two weeks, consuming less food, sleeps late, very late,after watching Indon channel (that's the only channel screening)hit the sack around 6.30am,pengsan,waking up blurred,like dead tv,fuzzy,dizzy,whats wrong with me??

Nevertheless, my pen moves.. and moving..

Penawar Kalbu 5.05am 4/2/05

Akukah ini yang semakin hilang
dalam igauan halunisasi silam
mendambakan harapan janji-janji palsu
idaman hampa, kosong dan sia
Mencari sinar pelukan hangat
dari sisa-sisa mimpi semalam
Kini berteduh di tenda duka
Menanti saat menjelang datang
bahtera makna melayarkanku pergi
ke wilayah asing tetapi damai
Setenang bayu berhembus segar
ku pasrah, ku terima, ku syukuri
ku kenali sanubariku sendiri
Yang hilang bukan aku lagi
Yang jelang datang menganti
menyerap ke jiwa, menusuk ke hati
mengisi ruang kalbu yang gering
penawar lara, pengubat duka dan luka
Engkau yang satu, Engkau yang suci

Ada Lagi Aku 5.45am

Kotak fikir sempit dan menyesakkan
Lemas, cemas, peluh mengalir
Penat, lelah, getir dan bisa
Berhenti bukan perintah mudah
Kawalan kabur, pening dan pusing
Berputar, berputar, tiada imbangan
Udara semakin nipis, harapan tipis
Yang tebal hanya sakit dan perit
Sesak, tegang mencari pegangan
Mana pergi waras dan logika?
Gelap, keliru dan menakutkan
Mencari, mengumpul saki tenaga
untuk terus dalam sedar akal
Masaku belum tiba lagi
Banyak kerja belum selesai
Misi gagal bukan pilihan
Ada lagi masa, kata hati
Ada lagi!, jerit otak
Ada lagi!, sahut jiwa
Aku percaya
Aku percaya

Time the best healer, or is it?

Today is 31st January 2005. Sekejap je masa bergerak. Pelik. There are two possibilities to why time feels like flies at supersonic speed, at least for me. One, the earth is spinning faster and faster. And so is the galaxy system. Duh! sounds stupid! But then again, I'm not a scientist and it's just a possibility. Second, I'm pursuing something or actually a lot of things that i feel there's always not enough time. Catching up with deadlines and targets. Too busy and as always feel like time is not on my side. Then come the question of death. It occurs to me one day that I'm actually dying away each second of every minute of everyday of my life. Tick tick tick tock..getting near to the end. I concluded that living is actually dying. Or to be exact, the process of dying. A micro rigor mortis of life. The big question is, am I ready to die? A question, quickly ignored by my concious mind. If a picture of darkness, tight space, loneliness and punishments clouds the mind about death then that thought will surely kill instantly. Then lies the answer that i'm afraid of death.
But then, if a picture of serenity, peace, calm and joy that describes death or the next world, automactically death is not to be afraid of. My favorite option is forget about it, do what i can do, ready or not, the day will come. I rest my future destiny of the other side in God¡¦s hand. Yup, God the Almighty, He knows everything. God gave everybody young and old, rich or poor, the same amount of time, 24hrs a day. People say time heals, right now I'm not sure coz sometimes time kills.