HumanOidHumanVoid

Hola! This is kinda fuckin' long one...at times when i kinda bored with myself... it's my bebel anyway..

Manusia :
Aku dicipta untuk satu tujuan. Menjadi khalifah di muka bumi ini. Berbuat kebaikan untuk diri sendiri dan sekian mahluk ciptaanNya. Aku dilahirkan bogel tetapi tidak ternilai. Aku ibarat kain putih yang perlu dicorak dengan nilai-nilai tertentu. Nilai-nilai yang mungkin warna-warna elok dan terang sedap dipandang tetapi mungkin sahaja terselit warna-warna muram dan kehitaman yang comot. Pemilikku adalah ibubapaku tetapi kami sekeluarga dimilikiNya. Aku tidak kekal sama tetapi membesar secara fizikal dan mental dan berhijrah dari semasa ke semasa. Kuasa ku terdapat berbagai-bagai bentuk. Ada kuasa terletak pada pengetahuan, fizikal atau kedudukan. Tetapi walau bagaimanapun besar kuasaku, aku tetap hamba padaNya. Walau pun kekadang aku terlupa atau sengaja buat-buat lupa amanahNya padaku.

Duit, kau membuat ku bekerja untuk mendapatkanmu. Supaya aku mampu memiliki yang lain melaluimu. Kebanyakannya berbentuk lahiriah. Dan dari lahiriah inilah kekadangkan boleh memberikan aku kepuasan batin, kesenangan dalaman atau memenuhi santapan jiwaku. Salahkan aku kalau bercita-cita untuk mendapatkan seberapa banyak duit?

Otak :
Aku diciptaNya seiring dengan setiap mahkluk yang wujud. Mungkin berlainan bentuk dan keupayaan. Sudah tentu sahaja begitu kerana setiap makhluk berbeza tujuan diciptakanNya. Tetapi aku hanya alatnya sahaja. Ya, aku ibarat lampu suluh sahaja. Untuk menyala aku perlukan sumber tenaga, aku perlukan bateri. Jika bateriku lemah maka suramlah sinarku dan sebaliknya. Akal adalah bateriku. Akallah sumber tenagaku.

Akal :
Aku melihat, mendengar, merasa, menilai dari setiap sudut yang aku mampu lihat, dengar dan rasa. Setelah sekian lama mengumpulkan ilmu dan pengalaman. Aku tidak pernah kekal sama. Sudah tentu kerana setiap masa dan hari aku terdedah kepada perkara-perkara baru. Aku kemaskini semuanya.

Ya, aku yang mengarahkan semua anggota-anggota lain bertindak dan berkelakuan semahunya tetapi ada satu unsur lain yang mempengaruhiku. Kadang-kadang aku sendiri lemah untuk melawannya. Apbila manusia sebut ‘masuk akal’, itulah kesan dariku. Tetapi apabila ‘tidak masuk akal’ yang dilakukan walaupun sudah tahu itu salah atau mustahil, aku tiada kuasa menghalang. Dia lebih menguasai keadaan ketika itu. Dia adalah hati. Dia adalah emosi.

Hati :
Aku dan perasaan tidak tahu mengapa aku sering dipersalahkan. Ikut hati, mati atau menunjuk perasaan, mogok, piket, marah, dendam kesumat. Bukankah aku juga memberi rasa kasihan, rasa simpati, rasa cinta, rasa kasih dan sayang?

Duit:
Aku dicipta untuk satu tujuan. Aku dijana dengan satu nilai. Aku diguna untuk apa-apa yang nilai aku boleh ditukarkan. Aku boleh jadi hitam atau putih ditangan pemilikku. Pemilikku bertukar-tukar dari semasa ke semasa. Sukar untuk aku kekal pada satu tempat yang sama setiap masa. Aku bekerja untuk manusia tetapi kadang-kadang aku pelik melihat manusia itu sendiri menghambakan diri mereka untukku. Aku tiada kuasa tetapi kadang-kadang aku memberi kuasa. Aku hanya hamba tetapi kadang-kadang aku boleh menjadi tuan.

Aku boleh buat orang gembira dan mungkin juga hiba. Keranaku juga manusia sering berubah-ubah sifat, kelakuan atau peribadi. Mereka boleh jadi marah, bergaduh, bertengkar, semua keranaku. Mereka boleh jadi pencuri, pencopet dan juga pembunuh demi keranaku. Ya, ada yang menggunakan ku untuk kebaikan, menolong orang lain, memperbaiki kehidupan. Tetapi sering sahaja aku dijadikan punca segala kejahatan sedangkan aku tiada kuasa secara langsung untuk tujuan-tujuan itu. Tetapi jikalau kebaikan-kebaikan pula, tangan -tangan yang memberi mendapat nama. Aku tidak mahu nama, aku sudah ada namaku sendiri. Salahkah aku kerana menjadi rebutan manusia?

Open Arms

Buka Jiwa Pasti

Apabila terbuka kulit pada badan ini
Dan yang menerjah keluar adalah sinar silau
Hangat indah berkilau
Kau pasti tersenyum
Kau pasti terpegun

Akan ku nyanyikan bait-bait cinta agung
Berdendang irama sesegar angin pagi di gunung sepi
Senyaman air yang mengalir dari punca bumi
Kau pasti riang
Kau pasti girang

Dan jika kau bertanya, Kenapa saat ini?
Kerana inilah waktu yang pasti
Waktu yang mengizinkan harapan bersemi
Aku pasti sedia
Aku pasti setia

Aidilfitnah

Hola! I'm back to blogging. Raya takde buat apa2, juz menghadap komputer, tulis-tulis benda-benda kat bawah tu. N play some guitars till 3am. Cume raya ke 3 je aku kuar tu pun gi extra beli roti n some vcds. Umah yang aku gi satu je. Tu pun jiran, pada raya ke 3..haha..aku semakin jadi seprti anti sosial..sial sungguh!

21/10/06

Hangok-Hangok Gebang-Gebang

Duduk-duduk di sini, NY, Modesto, Handle Bar, Eskimo
Kaki silang-silang, pinggul goyang-goyang,
jalan huyung-hayang
Irama negro hip hop atau apa sahaja asal bahagia,
tepuk poket tanya selera
J.D, Chivas Regal, Johnny Walker, kurang-kurang pun Skol beer
Hari minggu yang indah atau rabu lady’s nite, asalkan line clear

Hantuk-hantuk gelas, barulah ada class
Penuhkan saf-saf terabur di dance floor tepat pukul dua belas
Alah kepala dah sedap, one shot kira hebat
Bedal apa je step, gelap apa? mana nampak rupa…
Malam ni kita yang punya!
Tapi nanti balik buat kira-kira ya, sapa hutang sapa
Bil semua kena tong-tong, jangan buat bodo! Asik kad kredit aku je…

Anak bangsa aku yang aku cintai,
Besar panjang dah cukup sifat, konon tahu apa dia buat
Yelah, dah keje duit sendiri, lebih 18 tahun dah atas bumi
Susah senang tanggung sendiri, lu apa peduli!

Sebab tu aku suka diam diri
Sebab tu aku tak peduli lagi
Aku pun bukan baik sangat
Tapi yang penting pun beb beringat!
Makbapak korangnye keringat…

“We shit & eat in the same bowl,
The difference is that you get old while I grow old”




24/10/06

Foto Aminah

Dia terus belek-belek kertas di tangan
Senyum-senyum sendirian berangan-angan
Pertama kali wajahnya ditangkap
Pertama kali melihat diri atas kertas lengkap

Tapi Aminah bukan itu sahaja cerita yang terungkap
Kisah kau yang umur 8 tahun hidup sedang melarat
Tinggal dengan ibumu dan adik-beradik tanpa mengharap
Kais pagi makan lusa dan kadang-kadang tiada apa pun

Tapi realiti bagi 8 tahun sepertimu tiada apa bezanya
Duniamu hanya dalam pangkuan ibu dan luar pondok usang itu
Cahaya padamu adalah matahari atau bulan di malam suram
Hiburanmu melihat anak-anak ayam dan bermain pasir halaman

Cukuplah, apalagi yang manusia perlu selain makan, minum dan udara
Santapan ikan kering dan ulam pucuk ubi serta air teh yang kadangkala tiada gula
Cukup buat kau adik-beradik berselera dan tidur lena
Baju lusuh yang kau pakai cukup untuk melawan sejuk malam

Hari ini nasibmu terbela,atau mungkin untuk seketika
Setelah pondok usang didatangi orang-orang yang kau lihat pelik
Dengan makanan dan bungkusan aneka yang pelik-pelik juga
Berbondong-bondong tiba bersama alatan rakaman dan kamera

Pertama kali kau melihat mata ibu bersinar-sinar gembira
Dan seketika mengalir air mata bercerita tentang ayahmu yang sudah tiada
Dan nasib kamu sekeluarga yang dilanda azab derita kesempitan dunia
Tapi sudah tentu kau bingung dan tidak faham, Bukankah sudah cukup semua ada?
Anak-anak ayam, pasir di halaman, ulam dan baju lusuh yang kau pakai?

Esok lusa ramai lagi kunjung mengunjung pondokmu
Realitimu sedikit-dikit berubah,
Anak patung, baju cantik, air milo dan sardin dalam tin
Orang-orang itu tidak lagi kelihatan pelik atau jelik

Ibu membelek-belek helaian kertas di tangannya
Aminah pula kelihatan pelik, tidak pernah melihat ibu membaca suratkhabar
Kemari lihat wajahmu anakku
Di muka hadapan akhbar harian, cerita sisipan keluarga malang
Hari ini mungkin ada sedikit sinar harapan

Aminah terus memegang helaian kertas akhbar
Pertama kali melihat fotonya
Aminah nasibmu baik

Tunggu

Aku setia menantimu sehingga rumput tumbuh kembali
Hari-hari setelah kau jejak pergi tanpa aku di sisi
Di malam hari aku termenung sendiri
Mengenang nasib bagai digantung tak bertali

Aku tunggu esok hari
Esok yang tiada noktah
Hanya tuhan aku berserah
Engkau kembali membawa tuah

Mungkin salah aku membiarkanmu pergi
Apabila hati tidak bersatu lagi
Apabila kalbu dibakar api
Semuanya gelap dan tidak dimengerti

Aku tunggu dan terus tunggu mu di sini

Experimento Plabu

Ever heard the saying "a friend in need is a friend indeed"? Here is a little experiment i came out with that you could try on your friends and to check out if the saying is of any value. Your task is to ask your friends to lend you some money for an emergency case. Make up something or just say that it's too personal to tell. The amount? Up to you..let say around 300 to 500. You could use the best channel, and that is your handphone through sms which is cheaper than a call. Or you could use your messenger. Or if you could manage, see them face to face. I still think sms is the best method though. Now let see what responses you will get. But here are some that you would receive and in no particular order :

1. No reply (if u're using sms or messenger). There are some possibilities that led to this such as your friend is too busy to answer, no credit to answer back, don't care to reply, got no money to lend and embarassed to reply with a no, don't wanna help (could be you got bad debts with ¡¥em or maybe they just hate u!), wrong number, the message was not received (communication provider¡¦s err) etc.
2. Reply with questions, probing on why the need of your so called emergency loan. The interrogations could take hours but ended up saying how she or he is sorry to hear your problem (in actual fact, he/she is not and quite happy to hear your misery) but¡Kyes, after outgoing and ingoing smses in between, the answer is NO, "No, I can't lend you the money because I already used my budget to get my car repaired, to pay my insurance, to get my hair done, oh you're just a day late,bla, bla, bla.. And you said to yourself, "why didn't you said that earlier so I wouldn't waste my time and phone credit with you¨.

3. Reply with a No and sincerely telling you why he/she unable to help although he/she wanted to and expressing how embarassed that he/she unable to help and saying sorry.

4. Reply with a yes but can't lent you the full amount.

5. Reply with a yes, asking ¡§When you want it?. No other question asked, except maybe , "When will you pay up?, casually. Or in some cases, "Don't worry, pay me when you have it¨

Now, what would this experiment achieved or led you to? Hmm..well, why don't you try it and see for yourself. But be ready, as you might get your reputation damaged within your circle of friends or just from a personal perspective. But it really depends on your friends attitude themselves. Some people as you would know got the uncontrol urge to tell around. But some don't. So I guessed there are some risks at stake in this experiment, but there are also results that could give you useful informations. And yes, you too would developed a new perspective about your friends according to their responses. Just remember to not get carried away by your emotions and put yourself inside their shoes. Anyway your instincts will tell you something.
I know for a fact that borrowing money is not good( but not evil) but there is a time or some point in our life that we don't know we would get into a slump or so "koyak" that borrowing money from relatives or friends is a way out, right? Well I have. And there is a Malay saying "Tangan yang memberi adalah lebih baik daripada tangan yang menerima", in English could be something like this, "The hands that gives is better than the hands that receives¨. Well I think sometimes the hands that gives are not that good as the owners do it for the wrong reasons or intentions. Like publicity or tax deductions. Alah yang penting ikhlas. Be sincere!
Robert Kiyosaki will tell you that there is a good debt and there is a bad debt. A good debt will bring in profits while the bad debt will not, anyway that's why it's called bad, duh! Like a loan to start a business or investments that would bring in profits is a good debt. Well get his book if you wanna know more.

Now back to the experiment. Let say you sent the request to 200 chosen friends and relatives. And 50% replied with a positive response (that's no. 4 & 5, regardless of what they or you think about them). Let say the average loan is around 350 and multiply it with 100 (50%), will give you about 35,000! Hmm..a friend in need is a friend INDEED! or IN DEBT TO,whichever you like it.

Now what would you do with the money? Well, a lot. But remember, it's a fucking loan, you have to be responsible and return it! And remember Kiyosaki? Be smart and make it into a good debt. Let say you put it into a fixed deposit account with a 10% yearly interest for a year. You will get 3,500 (before tax, if there is and if my math is correct) by the end of 12 months. How about throwing a fabulous party for your friends, your IN NEED friends? What would they say about you now? Fancy throwing a great party and get the word around, good words and the repo you will get around your friends. Or just send thank you cards and also their money back respectively and treat yourself to a nice vacation and send them more postcards and how thankful you are to have them as your friends and how you wish they were there with you!

floating

It's been quite a while since I post anything here. Things just ain't happening the way I want em to be. And as always, I'm taking the time to be away. Distance is a therapy. It might hurt some people around me, but it is for the best. I'm sounding selfish. I think I am. Time will tell..

I missed my futsal game today. All because of waiting for someone to come. I hate waiting. Of all the days in a week, and today is the day i always looking forward to, and there you go, I missed the futsal game. I fucking hate this. Shitus nimfus! Have to wait for next week. It's not about the male-bonding or a bunch of guys doing guy things, argh, girls plays too, its just that, there, in the court, where i feel so free, nothing feels like futsal. Fuck! why did they came late!

Imatlost

She killed me and then a million times more
I awake finding her still at the door
She smiles and then came and kissed my eyes
And gone in a blink of an eye without saying good bye
I'm going blind with all her disquise
I'm sinking deep inside her sweet shinning pie
She whispered to my ears all those kind words
I'm lost again as my head hit the dirt..

Marah

Getting angry is easy. Getting angry at the right people for the right reason, at the right degree and at the right time is not easy. Aristotle said that. Well, some sort like that, i can't remember the original quote. Anyway, he's "totlely" right. I bet, Aristotle ni mesti panas baran orangnya. But how do we control our anger? Keeping our cool? Everybody gets angry sometimes right?

I learned this kind of anger management lesson long time ago from my ustaz."Kalau marah, kalau awak sedang berdiri maka duduklah, kalau tak hilang marah juga, maka berbaringlah, kalau masih marah, mandilah". Itulah yang dia cakap. Pernah aku ikut jugak, and it works, tapi taklah sampai kena mandi. Tapi betullah, api kan lawannya air? Tapi aku rasa bukan pasal aku duduk marah itu beransur hilang, tetapi apabila aku teringat nasihat dan terbayangkan muka ustaz itu sendiri, aku jadi hilang fokus untuk marah.

Back to Mr. Aristotle words, getting angry at the right people? Apa akan jadi kalau the right people is myself? To what degree i have to be mad at myself? Tapi aku rasa bila aku marah kat diri aku sendiri, aku tak menyusahkan orang lain kan? Arghh..baik aku sit, lie down or get wet, whichever works!

Btw,just watched MI3. Not going to bebel on how great is the stunts and all, coz it's excellence in giving satisfaction, actionpackedwise. But as soon as I walk out from the cinema, the thrill is gone, and i forgot all about it. But what really stuck in my head was the scene where Ethan Hunt was tied to the chair opposite of his"wife" who is also tied up with a gun to her head. At that point of time, how would you feel when you see your loved ones just inches away from you and threatened to be kill? And you can't do anything about it. Imagine how would you feel seeing your loved ones killed/died in front of you and you got no power to stop it? The feeling of pain, anger, extreme sadness, the rollercoaster of emotions that you're going through. Anyway that is all MI3 delivered to me, other than great stunts, actions, adrenaline rush (gez i remember the fun stuff too).

Swung

In no mood to blog. Opted to read other people's blog. And links in their blog too. Kinda piss off with things around my life right now. And the fingers doesn't run smooth on this keyboard or the guitar. Everything's ugly.

Ghost

I'm always here
At the beginning of the end
Trying to find a place and a stand
Why I'm here I don't understand
Could it be I'm just a haunting ghost?
Living in a dead world
Screaming for help but no one listens
Bleeding in pain dreaming of heaven
Or just confused of nothing but self pity ness
Lack of everything and every senses
Never I hold my future in my hands
My body only consumes boredom
Yet my heart wanting freedom
I¡¦m a walking lost ghost
I¡¦m just a failure-infected host.

bleedings by mosh from The Ghost Of Love

Wasteland

I'm bloody empty, my happy medium drained to the bottom. Finding solutions in this mystical so called journey.Yet I'm hungry, I'm hungry to find my self. Way over the victim mindset. Way over whatever there is to cry about. Haah! I'm might seem to be writing (talking) nonsense. But what is nonsense? Something you failed to sensed? Then you're the failure. It's easy to say and suggest things. It's easier when you're on the otherside looking in. Why don't you come inside and share the sights? Your words they all come out empty. Hollow.

Semut Gila

Duduk-duduk kat sini selalu sunyi
Iyelah, mestilah, di tempat-tempat sebegini, di waktu-waktu begini
Sebenarnya bukan aku saje sorang di sini
Bukan aku sorang saja sorang diri
Lihat tu ada semut-semut yang rajin
Tak reti tido-tido lagi
Macam aku, tak reti tido-tido lagi
Tapi aku tak serajin semut-semut itu
Tak sekuat semut-semut itu yang boleh mengangkat beban berpuluh-puluh kali berat dirinya
Kalaulah aku semut, aku mesti kuat
Mengangkat berat beban masalah-masalah aku ini
Tapi kalau aku semut, aku mesti tak tido juga walaupun dah kuat
Kalau aku semut, akulah semut yang paling keliru
Aku tak ikut barisan semut lain
Menyimpang tak tentu pasal
Iyelah, bosan! Angkat gula, letak gula, ambil gula, letak gula¡K
Aku boleh jadi semut gila!

burnings by mosh from This Angry Pen

spektakulost

akulostakulostakulost
findnothingfindnothing
sempitsempitsempitsempit
sakitsakitsakitsakitsakitsakit
gottagetawaygottagetaway
tapimanatapimana
suarayangtersekatdalamgelaphitampekat
termenongmenongkatmalam
akudambadamaisampai

Losskjap

Aku jarang update sekarang, simply for the reason aku jarang online sekarang. Tak bz mana pun. Just lost dalam diri sekejap (rasa macam bertahun). Hibernation in perfume garden. Lama tak dengar lagu tuh..

Sejak akhir-akhir ni, dekat suratkhabar, kat majalah (aku jarang baca, tak beli pon), tv, banyak cerita pasal ketakpuashatian artis2 malaysia terhadap kebanjiran artis2 luar negara, yang menyedihkan lagi bukannya orang lain tapi artis dari negara serumpun. Yelah pasal kes AIM 06, Ahli Fiqir, Anita Sarawak, kes artis indon yang banyak buat show kat sini dan juga macamana artis dari Malaysia yang selalu kena sekat. Yang peliknya artis dari barat2 yang sememangnya dah berlambak-lambak tidak pulak masuk cerita. Aku bukan apa, bukan nak bebual dunia atau tunjuk terror. Iyalah pada aku seni (muzik, filem atau apa saja) mana boleh disekat. Kalau pon disekat luarannya, tetapi kalau patinya (mesej, ruh, niat) sampai ke hati, maka itulah seninya.

Kenapalah manusia ni nak berpuak-puak, sendiri buat yang terbaik kan bagus, dan biar pencinta seni (yang lebih tepat hati mereka) yang menilainya. Iyelah manusia bila terancam maka buatlah aksi protes, tapi biarlah pikir dulu sebelum bertindak.

Aku sendiri juga tak terkecuali dalam mengkategorikan sesuatu tetapi aku akur dan tewas kepada roh seni itu sendiri. Aku tak suka dangdut apatah lagi hindustan. Tapi kadangkala aku terdengar bunyian dari corong radio atau tv, dan aku tak dapat menyekat keenakan bunyian, hati aku pilih, walaupon aku dah kategorikan jenis seni itu aku tak suka. Akhirnya aku buat rumusan bahawa yang baik, enak dan indah itu seni walaupon dari mana pun sumbernya dan kategori yang lagi satu lagi adalah sampah semata. Jadi ada dua sahaja pada ku, seni atau sampah.

Perkara sebegini bukan sahaja berlaku dalam dunia seni malah apa sahaja, bila aku fikir dan menong2. Iyelah, kita kadangkala fikir pasal bangsa kita, agama kita, negeri kita, negara kita dan apa sahaja perbezaan2 yang wujud sesama manusia. Tetapi bukankah kita semua mahlukNya? Yang sama sahaja tak kira bangsa dan warna kulit, darjat dan pangkat (macam lagu mawi lak).

Kan aku cakap aku lost...

Ape Say (What Kata)?

Apa kata kalau malam ini tak berkesudahandan berpanjangan seperti tidak akan ada lagi sianguntuk esok, lusa dan mungkin untuk satu masa yang panjangYang ada cuma panahan anak-anak mentari di celah-celah awan tebal yang gelap, Adakah kita akan takut?Apakah kita akan sujud?Apakah kita akan terus wujud?

Bukan aku nak menakut-nakut atau cuba membuat berita derita gundah gulana.Bukan aku memandai-mandai, mereka-reka, meneka-neka sesaja-saja.Tanya saja kemungkinan ini pada ahli saintis seperti dalam National Geographic yang aku tengok tadi di kaca TV. Lake Toba si supervolcano yang meletus 75,000 tahun dahulu. Engkau nengoklah sendiri siaran ulangan Astro, entah-entah tadi yang aku tengok pun ulangan. Tahu sajalah cable tv yang mengulang-ngulang siaran,sekerap ulangan iklan di chanel AXN ketika KungFu Hustle semalamnya. Argh, tapi aku melencong dari topik asal aku...

Apa kata beb?
**lagu "Kata" Hazami tu dengo banyak kali macam sedap jugak..

A LONG BEBELISM

Hari Terakhir Ketidakwarasan

Hari ini dia dibebaskan dari pusat itu. Setelah bertahun-tahun dikurung kerana tidak cukup sempurna untuk hidup bersama-sama yang lain yang lebih teratur dan bertamadun. Diasingkan supaya lebih selamat kepada sekeliling. Dikaji, diuji dan diubati oleh pakar-pakar psikologi dan jururawat-jururawat bertauliah.

Setelah dia diyakini bahawa telah kembali normal ke dunia yang satu ini dan bukan dimensi tersendiri lagi. Setelah dia diyakini ketawa kerana rasa jenaka yang diucapkan oleh mereka yang waras dan bukan jenaka peribadinya sendiri atau tentang apa-apa yang tidak mereka lihat menggelikan hati. Apabila mendapati dia berkata-kata dalam keadaan yang sedar dalam emosi dan bukan emosi dengan renungan mata yang kosong melihat pada tempat atau benda yang tidak kelihatan. Apabila dia kelihatan menangis dengan sebab yang boleh dimengerti dan boleh dikongsi. Apabila dia berkelakuan senonoh dan dengan ketrampilan bagai seorang manusia patut kelihatan. Apabila dia cukup sempurna di mata mereka-mereka yang gelar mereka waras dan cukup akal.

Dia disahkan telah bebas daripada penjara minda serabutnya. Dia patut dibebaskan juga secara fizikal ke dunia realiti ini.Dia tidak lagi dikongkong oleh rasa pelik dan aneh. Atau yang lebih tepat, dia tidak lagi kelihatan pelik dan aneh.

Dia waras semula. Dia dimengerti dan mengerti. Tentang menjadi manusia seperti yang mana patut manusia bersifat. Tapi belum tentu dia aman. Belum tentu dimensi ini nyaman. Kerana dimensi ini juga penjara bagi yang lalai.

c C Around

Hari ni aku tak buat apa2 produktif. Kepala sakit, masalah sahaja. So aku membuang masa duduk-duduk kat angsana memerhatikan manusia. Try baca apa yang mereka mereka sedang hadapi. Aku mengira jarak antara pasangan yang sedang berjalan. Ada tuh dah berumur, suami jalan depan muka masam je atau garang, isteri belakang, sama gak, macm tak happy je dorang ni. Macam terpaksa.

Ada satu couple, couple muda, suami pegang tangan anak sebelah kanan dan isteri pegang sebelah kiri, smiles all the way. They are happy i assume. Couple lagi satu, lagi muda, i dont think theyre married yet, pegang tangan macam tak nak lepas, normal la tu, aku pikir.
Minah sebelah aku jual popiah crunchy. Tapi aku rasa dia boleh tambah lagi jualan dia kalau dia senyum sikit and stay at her stall, ada customer datang tapi die takde, so she lost her sale. Kan ke rugi tu?

Ah cont. nanti..time's up.

tORking AloNe

Perkara yang paling bahaya adalah apabila seseorang itu berasa dia lebih pandai dari seseorang setiap masa. At least itu yang apa aku fikir. Satu kerugian yang sangat besar juga. Tapi, satu kerugian juga jika seseorang mengganggap dirinya lebih bodoh dari orang lain sehingga menyebabkan hilang harga diri, low self esteem lah. Cara yang paling baik mungkin bersikap terbuka tapi kritikal. Berfikir sebelum bercakap, diam ketika orang lain bercakap. Mungkin ini yang dinamakan accurate thinking oleh Napoleon Hill.

Buat seketika ini, ketika jari jemariku menaip, otakku bercakap-cakap dan berfikir serentak. Boleh ke macam gitu?

Kita tak boleh menipu otak kita sendiri. Teori aku la. Sama seperti kita tak boleh geletek diri kita untuk ketawa. (Cubalah) Alah, buat pe nak tipu otak sendiri? Tak ke bodoh namanya.
Perutku lapar kata otak aku. So aku stop bercakap kat sini ok. Blah dulu!

gR8!

Life is great! Life is great! Although sometimes so perit, everyday aku nak menjerit, sampai tekak aku sakit, tapi takpe, life is great, God is great!

Oh God, sometimes it¡¦s so amazing that I just need to ask from you...and you would just give. Thank you!

stage/palm/critic

"...the world's a stage.." says william. And how many of us have stage fright? Afraid of what the world has to offer. Fear. Feel trapped. Asking ourselves "Why am I here?" Question unanswered. Life unfulfilled. And contented to be drones, living which is equal to slowly dying. Hoping less pain inflicted. Sometimes forget we are infact dying each day. That's not so positive isn''t it? Well i am not in a postivite mood today, so what?

And how many of us is so brave, commiting stage dive. Taking risks. Not knowing people down there gonna catch us. But we dive anyway. If we fell to the floor it's not the end of our world. Just bruises and scars. Pain. Well pain tells us that we are alive. If we can't feel pain, then we already died. Everything good and meaningful comes with pain. A mother delivers a baby in pain not laughing. Heck, don't you remember, no pain no gain?

A baby born into the world with palm closed, fist to the world. He's the fighter! He's the winner! Or she. Whatever. No he's not crying. He's actually shouting to the world "Yooooo! I'm here man, I'm coming to get you!¨, of course in baby language. We could not dechiper or understand. And his mother cried too. She's happy. He is the new actor on this stage. He will play his roles. Whether he gonna become a hero,villain, samseng koreng, mat rempit, politician, pak pacak, stand up comedian, the jerk, the nerdy kid, the ustaz, the gay, whatever he chooses. There's no script, no director, no make up artist, no nothing. It's an impromptu. You create your own story. Your show. The curtain is open. The spotlight is on you. Action! No edits, no cuts, no CGI, no special effects, no stuntman. Or stuntwoman. Whatever.

And the man died, leaving this world, his stage..with his palms opened. And sometimes with eyes opened. Then we have to close it. Or in citer omputeh, put schillings on 'em. Mata duitan la kiranya. And his mother cried too, if she¡' still alive. Sad.

*****
We are what we chooses to do or not do. If we act stupid, we do things stupidly, then we are defined as stupid. But if we act clever, but still cannot perform in a cleverly (is there such word,excuse me i'm stupid) manner, people can say we are morons acting clever. Right me if i'm wrong. Wrong me if i'm right. What can i do, i'm confused.

But then there are the critics. They will say things based on assumptions, assessments, their way of thinking, their benefits or other people benefits, their tasks,their options, their opinions. And who are they to judged others. Beats me. Critics are everywhere. There are silent critics. People critic people, judging in their mind's eye without verbal notification. Simultaneously. I guessed it's natural. We are equipped with the tools to critic. Sometimes it's automatic. But you know what, a wiseman once said, well actually i read it, so he doesn't actually say to me, nevermind. He said, well it reads, "If you don't like critics, do nothing and be nothing¨. Correct him if he is wrong, don't worry, he can handle critics.

watderhel! bla3x

Lie. Who doesn't? People who say they never lied are liars. People lie all the times. For different reasons. People lie to get themselves off the hook. "It wasn't me!¨."It's the truth, i didn't do it¨.People lie to protect others. "It was me not him¨. ¨People lie to comfort others. "No, you look fine, it look great on you baby!¨. To satisfy. People lie to hide their weakness. "Why is the moon seems to follow you son? Because the moon likes you¨.People lie to break free. "I'm going out with my girlfriends mom, no boys,be back early¨. When a lie turns to cheat, it get worse. "No, honey, i'll will love you forever, i never knew that woman, never met her before, you know you're the only one for me love". "This is a bargain miss, if don't buy it, you're gonna regret later, today is the last offer" .But still, lying and cheating is two different things. Two very very different things. But having a thing in common, human beings.

Question : Do you believe in happy endings? Right now, me, i just wish for happy in betweens, don't care about endings or beginnings. Just want my fair cut of happiness in this unfair world!

Six

Here again.Why????? Just feel like it. I guess.
Almost a week since. Feel kinda fucked up with all things happening rite now. So this will be my ventilation space.

Feels like listening to SOAD all day. I'm kinda angry. But i dont know why, who or what??

Feels like there's a huge motherfucking rock on top of my head. Never moving. Pushing me down day after day.

I'm sick. I'm sick.

back in black

yeah.it's the ac/dc album title. why? juz for the sake of filing in the title column and becoz its been so long that i have not post any entries here. Most of my entries goes to this blog. And i have neglected this blog.

it's a new year already, so i thought,it's good to start blogging back here. 2006.nobody is visiting this blog,since i moved to artctzen. but, thats not the reason on the 1st place why I blog. I write for myself, that's what i said before i ever start blogging.

i remember the earlier days of blogging.I would post entry everyday. That's when i got too much time on my hands. The time is a changing.Today, going online is not a priority to me since i've started new things.Like business and stuff.You know,the way to make money and not die of starvation.

I'm way off my goals in life and each day is such a pain. These past few weeks,my head is like an angry volcano. I found that it gets harder to sleep at nite. Juz like today. That's why i'm here. Killing time.

I;m drifting further from whatever that people seems to look out for.I didn't do it purposely. There's this magnet that kept pulling me away.

I started to analyze my dreams since I read a book on Dreams and Nightmares. I want to know what it means. For the record, i having dreams each time I sleep.Don't know if its normal or not.But who cares?

Am kinda getting bored right now. So i guess,I off for this entry. Till then...chow!

Inside Drama

INTERNAL CONFLICT : PART ONE

I : Kenapalah hidup ini susah sangat?!

II : Siapa yang cakap hidup mesti senang hah?!

I : Bukan apa. At least bagilah aku warning ke, sign ke¡Ksakitlah macam gini selalu.

II : Ko ni tak reti-reti sabar ke? Tahan sikit. Be a man. Hold on.

I : Otak aku ni dah sakit lah bodo! Pikir benda-benda ni semua. Dah lama aku sabar. Ko paham tak pressure? Pressure? Ko la bodoh!

II : Kalau aku bodoh, ko lagi bangang. Aku kan ko.

I : Ahh! Diamlah sekejap!

II : Aku tak boleh diam selagi kau bernafas. Selagi ko waras. Selagi ko terfikir dan berfikir. Selagi ko mengelamun.

I : Ko ni memang tak paham bahasa. Aku cuma minta sedikit ruang. Sedikit time. Untuk tenang. Boleh tak?

II : Jangan tanya aku. Aku tak control aku. Kau yang control aku. Lalalalalalalala..

I : Damn! Sukati ko lah. God, I just need a break.

II : Why don't you go breakdancing. Might help a little. Hehe.

I : You don't know to fuckin shut the fuck up don't you? Arghhhhh....

II : Don't you know that if aku shut down means that ko dah shut down jugak? Kiok?

I : What if I like it to be like that? And how do you know that? Who told you?

II : Yeah you're right. I don't know. But it's a good guess isn't it?

I : Whatever! Kenapalah makbapak aku tak bitau sebelum lahir hidup ni susah sangat? Mengapa?

II : Teruslah mengeluh dan mengeluh. Bagus sangat lah tu¡K

I : Eh, ko ni dahlah tak bagi moral support. Memekak jer! Tolonglah pikir jalan. Ko kan cakap tadi kalau aku mampos ko pun mampos sama. Bodoh! Ko nak mati ker?

II : Err..taknak.

I : Dah tu? Bising jer.

II : Yek elehh!marah lah tu. Sorii¡...gurau jer.

I : Gurau tak kena tempat. Pandai!

II : Hehe. Macam tulah, cakap aku pandai, maknanye ko pun pandai jugak.

I : Bengang! Bengang! Bengang! Masalah tak henti. Kenapa dengan aku ni? Aku dah check satu badan takde pun chop "born loser" kat mana-mana. Things just seem not to go my way!

II : No comment.

I : Yes and I like it to be that way. Forever! Please.

II : Eleh..

I : Ko tau tak, aku belum nak mengalah sebenarnya. Aku cume bosan. Bosan sangat. Aku nak buat banyak sangat tapi yang datang halang pun banyak sangat. Aku tau. Sabar, sabar, sabar. Tu yang aku cakap selalu. Tu yang orang lain pun cakap kat aku. Tapi orang lain tak lalui apa yang aku lalui. Orang lain bukan aku.

II : hmm..teruskan emo therapy ko ni.

I : Do you know that you're a pain in the ass?

II : Yeah!vent out the anger. Teruskan..teruskan...

I : I would appreciate if just stay there and be quiet please.

II : Eleh.. You said to help, so I was helping you just now.

I : Excuse you. If I need help on emo and stuff, I would go to the professional, for you and me. Got it?

II : Got it, Mr. Know-it-all-but-kinda-sick-right-now.

I : Thanks Mr. Big Mouth. Now where was I just now? See you make me lose focus.

II : You should thank me. I'm taking your focus out of the problems. You should focus on solutions instead. Ways to get out of the mess we are in.

I : Maybe you're right. That's one good thing you said for today.

II : Yeah yeah...thank me later when you are not insane.

I : And you said "we" too.

II : I've told you we are one. No matter how insane you are and how brilliant I am.

I : Just as I was beginning to like you and you start it again. You like that don't you? Intimidating me? You get pleasure isn't it? You sick bastard.

II : It's part of my job. I'm here to answer you questions. To be the other side of the thought process. The other view of the story. Doesn't mean I'm right or wrong, but that's the way it goes. Whether you like it or not, it's up to you.

I : You know what? I don't remember you when I was younger. Where were you then mate?

II : That time you're not insane. Hahahahahhaha....

I : Fuck you!

THE BATTLE RAGES ON : PART 2

I : My head is getting heavier and the neck is getting stiffer¡Ksleep is not applicable. Masih tak faham. Kenapa and mengapa hidup ini mesti susah? Eh, kenapa dan mengapa ni dua benda yang berbeza ker?

II : Sama jer maknanya. Tu pun nak tanya ker?

I : Making sure la ngok.

II : Yang tak sama tu ejaan je. Lebih dari itu aku tak tahu. But maybe ada reason tersendiri. Maybe..

I : So you are not sure right?

II : I told you that already, didn't you hear?

I : Arghh forget it. Tak penting! Soalan utama tadi, kenapa hidup susah sangat?!

II : Aku tak perlu jawab tu. Ko tanya soalan yang terlalu subjektif. Pada orang lain mungkin beza jawapannya.

I : Aku tak nak jawapan untuk orang lain. Aku nak jawapan untuk aku.

II : Payah lah. Ko pun tahu aku ni sebahagian ko. Aku pun ada limited sources.

I : Takpe aku tak perlu jawapan ko pun. Aku rasa soalan tu pun dah jadi tak penting sekarang. Yang penting sebenarnya adalah macamana nak keluar dari susah ni. Tak perlu tahu kenapa!

II : Eh, omputeh kan ada cakap, if you need to settle things, go to the root of the problems.

I : Omputeh bukan semua betul ko tau? Apa yang best sangat omputeh tu yang ko bangga-banggakan hah? Apa kurangnya melayu? Ko tu bukan melayu? Kalau melayu asyik negatif terhadap melayu, sapa nak pertahankan melayu? Lama-lama melayu terus layu.

II : Aku bukan bangga-bangga, aku just quote je. Salah? So sentitif.

I : Bukan apa. Aku tahu melayu tak perfect. And melayu banyak tersasar. Melayu pun human, tend to become stupid once in a while and makes mistake. Tapi banyak sangat aku nampak dan dengar, melayu kutuk melayu. Yang tepuk tangan, mulut ternganga-nganga ketawa besar, bangsa lain. Dorang sebut padan muka, gaduh lagi, bagus! Bagus! Siapa yang rugi? Anak bangsa sendiri.

II : Ye ye. Faham faham. Aku dengar.

I : Tu lah, orang cakap, taknak dengar. Pergi mampos la ko ni.

II : Eleh, pagi-pagi bute ni nak bebel je. Mana tak pening kepala.

tbc...when i'm insane again..

baru

fuhhhhh!new year! cepat betul masa berjalan atau berlari atau berlalu. nasib baik aku tak rasa tua. hahahahahhaa.

well, last year taklah best sgt tapi tak pun teruk sangat for me. As for this year, aku dah plan memacam and its gonna be great.

ade org kata its the year of saturn where bad things will happen but come to think of it, bad things always happens every year. memacam la lagi org cakap. Pada aku bad things r bound to happen but is how we manage things, our emo, ourself or the situation. Pergi mampos la org negative thinking ni!

31hb ari tu keta baru aku sampai. great selepas menunggu beberapa minggu dan berbakul ayat2 tak suci aku lemparkan pada salesman yg tak jujur tuh.

tahun ni aku sambung belajar.

tahun ni aku bukak new company.

tahun ni aku tak nak susah sangat. susah mesti ade kan?