stage/palm/critic

"...the world's a stage.." says william. And how many of us have stage fright? Afraid of what the world has to offer. Fear. Feel trapped. Asking ourselves "Why am I here?" Question unanswered. Life unfulfilled. And contented to be drones, living which is equal to slowly dying. Hoping less pain inflicted. Sometimes forget we are infact dying each day. That's not so positive isn''t it? Well i am not in a postivite mood today, so what?

And how many of us is so brave, commiting stage dive. Taking risks. Not knowing people down there gonna catch us. But we dive anyway. If we fell to the floor it's not the end of our world. Just bruises and scars. Pain. Well pain tells us that we are alive. If we can't feel pain, then we already died. Everything good and meaningful comes with pain. A mother delivers a baby in pain not laughing. Heck, don't you remember, no pain no gain?

A baby born into the world with palm closed, fist to the world. He's the fighter! He's the winner! Or she. Whatever. No he's not crying. He's actually shouting to the world "Yooooo! I'm here man, I'm coming to get you!¨, of course in baby language. We could not dechiper or understand. And his mother cried too. She's happy. He is the new actor on this stage. He will play his roles. Whether he gonna become a hero,villain, samseng koreng, mat rempit, politician, pak pacak, stand up comedian, the jerk, the nerdy kid, the ustaz, the gay, whatever he chooses. There's no script, no director, no make up artist, no nothing. It's an impromptu. You create your own story. Your show. The curtain is open. The spotlight is on you. Action! No edits, no cuts, no CGI, no special effects, no stuntman. Or stuntwoman. Whatever.

And the man died, leaving this world, his stage..with his palms opened. And sometimes with eyes opened. Then we have to close it. Or in citer omputeh, put schillings on 'em. Mata duitan la kiranya. And his mother cried too, if she¡' still alive. Sad.

*****
We are what we chooses to do or not do. If we act stupid, we do things stupidly, then we are defined as stupid. But if we act clever, but still cannot perform in a cleverly (is there such word,excuse me i'm stupid) manner, people can say we are morons acting clever. Right me if i'm wrong. Wrong me if i'm right. What can i do, i'm confused.

But then there are the critics. They will say things based on assumptions, assessments, their way of thinking, their benefits or other people benefits, their tasks,their options, their opinions. And who are they to judged others. Beats me. Critics are everywhere. There are silent critics. People critic people, judging in their mind's eye without verbal notification. Simultaneously. I guessed it's natural. We are equipped with the tools to critic. Sometimes it's automatic. But you know what, a wiseman once said, well actually i read it, so he doesn't actually say to me, nevermind. He said, well it reads, "If you don't like critics, do nothing and be nothing¨. Correct him if he is wrong, don't worry, he can handle critics.

watderhel! bla3x

Lie. Who doesn't? People who say they never lied are liars. People lie all the times. For different reasons. People lie to get themselves off the hook. "It wasn't me!¨."It's the truth, i didn't do it¨.People lie to protect others. "It was me not him¨. ¨People lie to comfort others. "No, you look fine, it look great on you baby!¨. To satisfy. People lie to hide their weakness. "Why is the moon seems to follow you son? Because the moon likes you¨.People lie to break free. "I'm going out with my girlfriends mom, no boys,be back early¨. When a lie turns to cheat, it get worse. "No, honey, i'll will love you forever, i never knew that woman, never met her before, you know you're the only one for me love". "This is a bargain miss, if don't buy it, you're gonna regret later, today is the last offer" .But still, lying and cheating is two different things. Two very very different things. But having a thing in common, human beings.

Question : Do you believe in happy endings? Right now, me, i just wish for happy in betweens, don't care about endings or beginnings. Just want my fair cut of happiness in this unfair world!

Six

Here again.Why????? Just feel like it. I guess.
Almost a week since. Feel kinda fucked up with all things happening rite now. So this will be my ventilation space.

Feels like listening to SOAD all day. I'm kinda angry. But i dont know why, who or what??

Feels like there's a huge motherfucking rock on top of my head. Never moving. Pushing me down day after day.

I'm sick. I'm sick.

back in black

yeah.it's the ac/dc album title. why? juz for the sake of filing in the title column and becoz its been so long that i have not post any entries here. Most of my entries goes to this blog. And i have neglected this blog.

it's a new year already, so i thought,it's good to start blogging back here. 2006.nobody is visiting this blog,since i moved to artctzen. but, thats not the reason on the 1st place why I blog. I write for myself, that's what i said before i ever start blogging.

i remember the earlier days of blogging.I would post entry everyday. That's when i got too much time on my hands. The time is a changing.Today, going online is not a priority to me since i've started new things.Like business and stuff.You know,the way to make money and not die of starvation.

I'm way off my goals in life and each day is such a pain. These past few weeks,my head is like an angry volcano. I found that it gets harder to sleep at nite. Juz like today. That's why i'm here. Killing time.

I;m drifting further from whatever that people seems to look out for.I didn't do it purposely. There's this magnet that kept pulling me away.

I started to analyze my dreams since I read a book on Dreams and Nightmares. I want to know what it means. For the record, i having dreams each time I sleep.Don't know if its normal or not.But who cares?

Am kinda getting bored right now. So i guess,I off for this entry. Till then...chow!

Inside Drama

INTERNAL CONFLICT : PART ONE

I : Kenapalah hidup ini susah sangat?!

II : Siapa yang cakap hidup mesti senang hah?!

I : Bukan apa. At least bagilah aku warning ke, sign ke¡Ksakitlah macam gini selalu.

II : Ko ni tak reti-reti sabar ke? Tahan sikit. Be a man. Hold on.

I : Otak aku ni dah sakit lah bodo! Pikir benda-benda ni semua. Dah lama aku sabar. Ko paham tak pressure? Pressure? Ko la bodoh!

II : Kalau aku bodoh, ko lagi bangang. Aku kan ko.

I : Ahh! Diamlah sekejap!

II : Aku tak boleh diam selagi kau bernafas. Selagi ko waras. Selagi ko terfikir dan berfikir. Selagi ko mengelamun.

I : Ko ni memang tak paham bahasa. Aku cuma minta sedikit ruang. Sedikit time. Untuk tenang. Boleh tak?

II : Jangan tanya aku. Aku tak control aku. Kau yang control aku. Lalalalalalalala..

I : Damn! Sukati ko lah. God, I just need a break.

II : Why don't you go breakdancing. Might help a little. Hehe.

I : You don't know to fuckin shut the fuck up don't you? Arghhhhh....

II : Don't you know that if aku shut down means that ko dah shut down jugak? Kiok?

I : What if I like it to be like that? And how do you know that? Who told you?

II : Yeah you're right. I don't know. But it's a good guess isn't it?

I : Whatever! Kenapalah makbapak aku tak bitau sebelum lahir hidup ni susah sangat? Mengapa?

II : Teruslah mengeluh dan mengeluh. Bagus sangat lah tu¡K

I : Eh, ko ni dahlah tak bagi moral support. Memekak jer! Tolonglah pikir jalan. Ko kan cakap tadi kalau aku mampos ko pun mampos sama. Bodoh! Ko nak mati ker?

II : Err..taknak.

I : Dah tu? Bising jer.

II : Yek elehh!marah lah tu. Sorii¡...gurau jer.

I : Gurau tak kena tempat. Pandai!

II : Hehe. Macam tulah, cakap aku pandai, maknanye ko pun pandai jugak.

I : Bengang! Bengang! Bengang! Masalah tak henti. Kenapa dengan aku ni? Aku dah check satu badan takde pun chop "born loser" kat mana-mana. Things just seem not to go my way!

II : No comment.

I : Yes and I like it to be that way. Forever! Please.

II : Eleh..

I : Ko tau tak, aku belum nak mengalah sebenarnya. Aku cume bosan. Bosan sangat. Aku nak buat banyak sangat tapi yang datang halang pun banyak sangat. Aku tau. Sabar, sabar, sabar. Tu yang aku cakap selalu. Tu yang orang lain pun cakap kat aku. Tapi orang lain tak lalui apa yang aku lalui. Orang lain bukan aku.

II : hmm..teruskan emo therapy ko ni.

I : Do you know that you're a pain in the ass?

II : Yeah!vent out the anger. Teruskan..teruskan...

I : I would appreciate if just stay there and be quiet please.

II : Eleh.. You said to help, so I was helping you just now.

I : Excuse you. If I need help on emo and stuff, I would go to the professional, for you and me. Got it?

II : Got it, Mr. Know-it-all-but-kinda-sick-right-now.

I : Thanks Mr. Big Mouth. Now where was I just now? See you make me lose focus.

II : You should thank me. I'm taking your focus out of the problems. You should focus on solutions instead. Ways to get out of the mess we are in.

I : Maybe you're right. That's one good thing you said for today.

II : Yeah yeah...thank me later when you are not insane.

I : And you said "we" too.

II : I've told you we are one. No matter how insane you are and how brilliant I am.

I : Just as I was beginning to like you and you start it again. You like that don't you? Intimidating me? You get pleasure isn't it? You sick bastard.

II : It's part of my job. I'm here to answer you questions. To be the other side of the thought process. The other view of the story. Doesn't mean I'm right or wrong, but that's the way it goes. Whether you like it or not, it's up to you.

I : You know what? I don't remember you when I was younger. Where were you then mate?

II : That time you're not insane. Hahahahahhaha....

I : Fuck you!

THE BATTLE RAGES ON : PART 2

I : My head is getting heavier and the neck is getting stiffer¡Ksleep is not applicable. Masih tak faham. Kenapa and mengapa hidup ini mesti susah? Eh, kenapa dan mengapa ni dua benda yang berbeza ker?

II : Sama jer maknanya. Tu pun nak tanya ker?

I : Making sure la ngok.

II : Yang tak sama tu ejaan je. Lebih dari itu aku tak tahu. But maybe ada reason tersendiri. Maybe..

I : So you are not sure right?

II : I told you that already, didn't you hear?

I : Arghh forget it. Tak penting! Soalan utama tadi, kenapa hidup susah sangat?!

II : Aku tak perlu jawab tu. Ko tanya soalan yang terlalu subjektif. Pada orang lain mungkin beza jawapannya.

I : Aku tak nak jawapan untuk orang lain. Aku nak jawapan untuk aku.

II : Payah lah. Ko pun tahu aku ni sebahagian ko. Aku pun ada limited sources.

I : Takpe aku tak perlu jawapan ko pun. Aku rasa soalan tu pun dah jadi tak penting sekarang. Yang penting sebenarnya adalah macamana nak keluar dari susah ni. Tak perlu tahu kenapa!

II : Eh, omputeh kan ada cakap, if you need to settle things, go to the root of the problems.

I : Omputeh bukan semua betul ko tau? Apa yang best sangat omputeh tu yang ko bangga-banggakan hah? Apa kurangnya melayu? Ko tu bukan melayu? Kalau melayu asyik negatif terhadap melayu, sapa nak pertahankan melayu? Lama-lama melayu terus layu.

II : Aku bukan bangga-bangga, aku just quote je. Salah? So sentitif.

I : Bukan apa. Aku tahu melayu tak perfect. And melayu banyak tersasar. Melayu pun human, tend to become stupid once in a while and makes mistake. Tapi banyak sangat aku nampak dan dengar, melayu kutuk melayu. Yang tepuk tangan, mulut ternganga-nganga ketawa besar, bangsa lain. Dorang sebut padan muka, gaduh lagi, bagus! Bagus! Siapa yang rugi? Anak bangsa sendiri.

II : Ye ye. Faham faham. Aku dengar.

I : Tu lah, orang cakap, taknak dengar. Pergi mampos la ko ni.

II : Eleh, pagi-pagi bute ni nak bebel je. Mana tak pening kepala.

tbc...when i'm insane again..

baru

fuhhhhh!new year! cepat betul masa berjalan atau berlari atau berlalu. nasib baik aku tak rasa tua. hahahahahhaa.

well, last year taklah best sgt tapi tak pun teruk sangat for me. As for this year, aku dah plan memacam and its gonna be great.

ade org kata its the year of saturn where bad things will happen but come to think of it, bad things always happens every year. memacam la lagi org cakap. Pada aku bad things r bound to happen but is how we manage things, our emo, ourself or the situation. Pergi mampos la org negative thinking ni!

31hb ari tu keta baru aku sampai. great selepas menunggu beberapa minggu dan berbakul ayat2 tak suci aku lemparkan pada salesman yg tak jujur tuh.

tahun ni aku sambung belajar.

tahun ni aku bukak new company.

tahun ni aku tak nak susah sangat. susah mesti ade kan?